my “aha!” moment after maternity leave

I took a five-month maternity leave. Two months paid, three unpaid. I almost started this post with, “I was lucky enough to…” — but I had to give myself a reality check. Five months is considered generous in the U.S. (albeit mostly unpaid), but it’s still not enough. Yes, in one sense I was incredibly fortunate… but I’d also like to live in a country where six to twelve months of paid leave is a given.

I knew becoming a mom would change my relationship to work, but I wasn’t sure how.

A mentor once shared this quote with me:

“Sometimes we spend our lives climbing a ladder, only to reach the top and realize it’s leaning against the wrong wall.”

That landed.

Now, let me be clear — I didn’t make a total 180 flip on my career aspirations. I have a lot of energy. I mean a lot. It needs to go places: into projects, creative efforts, writing, movement, teaching.

And I also have a deep desire to be present with my husband and kids.

Flashback to earlier this year. My “aha!” moment.

It’s February, and I’m back at work after maternity leave.

There I was: standing desk, walking pad, computer screen, breast pump. Away from my daughter. Staring at bluelight. Working on things that I don’t really think will move the needle.

And all I could think was — this set-up right here? This isn’t it.

Walking in place indoors, doing work that didn’t feel like it mattered, hooked up to a machine to express milk while separated from my daughter almost every day.

In that moment, I knew: this isn’t the life I want to look back on.

I’m pretty sure I’m meant to be barefoot outside, in the sunlight, present with my kids more than just “after working hours,” doing things I truly believe in — on my own terms.

So, I’m starting. I don’t know exactly where it will lead, or how it will end. But I know I’m ready. Nervous. Excited. Alive.

What about you? Where in your life are you climbing a ladder that might be leaning against the wrong wall?