internal nesting — energetic clean up
During my first pregnancy, I experienced “nesting” as primarily material. And in hindsight, it was partly coming from a deep and primal place, but mostly it came from a desire to control. Control the environment. Plan for every thing I could possibly need (which by the way, very much continued via my 3am amazon purchases those first few weeks postpartum). I was trying to use gizmos and gadgets to soothe my physical, mental, and emotional discomfort with well … all of the things! What can I say? I’m human, and the transition from maiden to mother is full of twists, turns, and new depths, no matter how well-supported or resourced you are.
I am nearing the birth portal with our second, and this time has felt different. The biggest shift? Rather than focusing on my material world — our house, the gizmos/gadgets, etc. I have felt a deep, deep longing to clean up my internal environment.
What do I mean by this?
An energetic inventory — time to actually let go of the drains. The old stories. The old patterns.
I truly believe birth is a rite of passage — and often parts of our identity dies in the process to make space for a new way of being. I experienced this with my daughter’s birth and through the many psychedelic experiences I’ve had. I have sensed this process of death and rebirth happening over the last couple of months, which of course has manifested in my “material” world in various ways.
First, I had to get super honest with myself at the beginning of the year about my job. The whispers had turned into a voice that I simply could not turn down or off. I had been at my company for quite a while, was comfortable and all things considered had a great gig on the surface - amazing benefits, tons of flexibility, generous pay, the ability to teach yoga and hypnobirthing on the “side” with no issues, and coworkers who I, for the most part, genuinely enjoyed. And still, that inner voice — you know, the one that says the truth even when it’s uncomfortable and not at all what you want to hear? — kept getting louder. I knew it was time to close that chapter and move on. I took a risk and bumped my timeline way up for doing so and it felt so. freaking. good. Did I have everything figured out in advance? Nope. And unsurprisingly shortly after I quit, several things just “clicked” into place. More clients for my birth work came flowing in (after essentially no marketing). Major shifts in our finances. New connections. And a ton of internal space that feels so, so good. Little winks from the universe saying, keep trusting your gut!
Next came my relationships. Getting honest with myself about people who fill my cup vs. pour from it (most of the time — of course relationships are a dance). Previously, I would have made decisions based out of obligation, guilt, people pleasing … you get the idea. This time, I simply haven’t experienced the guilt that comes from not doing things I “should,” especially with family members. And again, it just feels good. On the flip side, I’ve also invested in communities and mentors that feel like a real “yes” — even when they seem too “out there” or different.
And my last clean-up has come from taking even more responsibility for my experiences, coupled with a deep, deep trust in nature. More and more desire to continue to move towards a new story for our family that is different than the “conventional” model in all of the ways. This feels like the piece that is just emerging, and will continue to take root through my next birth. More clarity. More ease. More surrender. More wisdom. And most importantly, more LIFE!